Faith Wrestling

I was raided Christian. I’ve always felt different from others, like an outsider looking in. My mom mentioned to me once that while I was in the NICU she prayed the Holy Spirit would cover/protect me, hence the otherworldly sense I’ve had since I was little. It feels like being set apart, sealed as a believer before consciously coming to faith, converting, etc.

Fast forward decades. I am an adult and have gone through a bad church experience. I haven’t attended consistently since 2009. Yep, 10 years outside the box. It’s interesting stepping outside the Christianese world and glancing in. It’s like looking back at high school and remembering what was popular back then, recalling what you were like back in the day.

Honestly, I don’t know if I can return and trust the church again. My heart would love to, I miss the community aspect, but trusting other believers is a challenge. I haven’t read my Bible in a few years. Maybe I just need to take a step back, away from the verbiage that’s a first language to me.

I want to start from scratch. I still believe in God. I feel like part of the challenge is that Christiandom idolizes the Bible. God is bigger than the Bible, or any other book considered holy. I’ve also, wondered why other books that had been considered part of the cannon were removed, like the book of Enoch that connects the dots on so much. Is it a case of keeping non-clergy in the dark?

I’m still triggered by worship music. It’s sad because I have so many songs I love, but it’s just too, painful to hear them.

Do you struggle in a similar way? If so, feel free to comment or email me.

10 thoughts on “Faith Wrestling

      1. Absolutely and it is a power structure that has hurt so many and has not (I think) accepted full accountability amongst its members. At the same time I see great things in church and admire that. I think it is brave to step away and trust that God will see us through that and work with us to find community. So far I am starting to consider community with Christ, within me, a radical thought and it has come out of a deep internal struggle about God, relationship and place. Like how I do experience “place” with God. It is hard to live as a Christian the way the church tells me to. I feel divided and even more disconnected from the world. I’m tired of that. I’ve got to live, so how do I do it? Lovingly? God is showing me, not the Church! Sorry to ramble!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks for sharing Leni. You don’t attend church either? One thing I noticed is 2 weeks after I visited a church years ago, the pastor’s wife asked if I was going to join. That didn’t go over well.


      3. I have recently started to go to a home church with fellow survivors of trauma and ritual abuse. We eat dinner together and then the approach is different each time. Last week we discussed a reading which challenged the church’s teaching on sin. It was fascinating, difficult, liberating. The group meets fortnightly on Thursday evenings. So that is my new “church”.

        Liked by 1 person

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