Personal

42 Reflections On My Life

1. Being a preemie survivor is a lot to mentally digest.

2. I have no shame in eating pizza with a fork and knife.

3. Were braces worth the four years of headgear torture?

4. Being a bookworm has always been a comfort to me.

5. I always seem to be drawn to the underdogs because I, myself am one.

6. Fashion is overrated compared to wearing comfy clothes.

7. Being babysat by a lady who rakes inside her house? Priceless.

8. First kisses sometimes don’t count.

9. Friendships come and go like the seasons.

10. I never allowed myself to be a classic girlie girl after my brief stint liking the color pink in 1st grade.

11. I don’t like odd numbers.

12. I can be very chatty or quiet depending on my mood.

13. I love writing poetry.

14. My first celebrity crush at 8 was Fergie.

15. I got to be in the audience of “Kids Inc.” as a preteen. That experience opened my eyes to the cruelties of Hollywood.

16. As a little kid I would dutifully look in the newspaper for any local movie auditions. I wanted to be an actress.

17. I still recall how much I loved my cheesy Punky Brewster high tops that had her hologram face on the side.

18. I loved being a tomboy with enjoying He-Man and Transformers.

19. As kid I had a big imagination (still do) and enjoyed exploring a ditch behind my house. Loved to make up stories to go along with random items found.

20. I was a dare devil as a little kid. I’d ride on my plastic imitation big wheel and fly down the street. It was a very steep street. I’m shocked I was allowed to.

21. I always wonder what my life would be like with a different name.

22. When I was 8 I wanted to be a pastor.

23. I was quite the legalist as a child. No drinking soda in the car.

24. I lived through the Loma Prieta earthquake. Once you’ve experienced one you never forget.

25. Reaching 100 books read in one year is a great feat, but a lonely one.

26. I will always love Six Feet Under, This Is Us, The Fosters and Gilmore Girls.

27. Trees energize me as does rainy/cloudy weather.

28. I can’t stand dresses, but a part of me longs to wear 40’s/50’s vintage style dresses.

29. Worst haircut of my life was a buzz cut.

30. Coming out to oneself is the hardest thing EVER.

31. I’ve always felt ‘different’ from others since I was a little kid.

32. As a small child I was always nervous hearing planes flying overhead, afraid of b**bs. I didn’t watch war movies growing up, but then fell in love with WWII in 4th grade. A few years ago watching a documentary on that topic I had a flashback of living in that time period. That freaked me out. Maybe there is something to past lives.

33. I believe God is BIGGER than any Holy book.

34. I was bullied for being so small and short.

35. I have a Booktube addiction.

36. I studied with a JW for four months. Fascinating to be challenged to explain my faith and why I believe what I do. Sadly that friendship’ was not legit.

37. I don’t know why cults are fascinating to research (JW, Mormonism, etc). I think it’s the desire to belong and have your life scripted for you. I think there’s a comfort in that and a feeling of safety.

38. I am learning in life it’s not about how many friends you have, but the quality of friends, those you can truly trust with your life.

39. I can’t believe I’ve been a book blogger for over 3 years.

40. I never expected to love reading fiction from Thomas Nelson Publishers.

41. I’ve always felt awkward about receiving gifts, like I’m not worthy to.

42. LOVE is not cookie cutter.

Books · Personal · TBR

Reading Goals 2020

This year I’ve decided next to reviewing the ARCS I receive and get approved for I will read CLASSICS. I haven’t read very many and I want to change that. My Good Reads goal is only 80, bud I want to split that down 40/40. I want to read 40 classics and 40 books on spirituality. The spirituality books that are outside my vanilla Christian comfort zone.

Here are my list of classics I’ve decided on:

Classics 

1 Pride and Prejudice 
2 One Hundred Years Of Solitude 
3 One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest
4 1984
5 Middlemarch
6 Women In Love
7 Ferienheight 451
8 A Clockwork Orange
9 Northanger Abbey
10 The Bell Jar
11 The Sound And The Fury
12 Man’s Search For Meaning
13 The Handmaiden’s Tale
14 The Color Purple
15 Meditations by Marcus Orelius
16 Picture Of Dorian Gray
17 Beloved
18 Emma
19 A Room Of One’s Own
20 The Golden Notebook 
21 Rebecca
22 Never Let Me Go
23 As I Lay Dying
24 The Sound And The Fury
25 Lolita
26 Ethan From
27 The House Of The Seven Gables
28 The Poisionwood Bible
29 The Chosen
30 Their Eyes Were Watching God
31 The House On Mango Street
32 Death Of A Salesman
33 Slaughterhouse Five
34 The Bluest Eye
35 A Prayer For Owen Manning
36 Kindred
37 The Naked and the Dead
38 A Tree Grows In Brooklyn
39 The Haunting Of Hill House
40 Bleak House
What reading goals do you have this year? Any genre goals? Have you read any of these classics? I’m still compiling my 40 spirituality books. I’ll post those once I’ve got my list together.
Personal

Faith Wrestling

I was raided Christian. I’ve always felt different from others, like an outsider looking in. My mom mentioned to me once that while I was in the NICU she prayed the Holy Spirit would cover/protect me, hence the otherworldly sense I’ve had since I was little. It feels like being set apart, sealed as a believer before consciously coming to faith, converting, etc.

Fast forward decades. I am an adult and have gone through a bad church experience. I haven’t attended consistently since 2009. Yep, 10 years outside the box. It’s interesting stepping outside the Christianese world and glancing in. It’s like looking back at high school and remembering what was popular back then, recalling what you were like back in the day.

Honestly, I don’t know if I can return and trust the church again. My heart would love to, I miss the community aspect, but trusting other believers is a challenge. I haven’t read my Bible in a few years. Maybe I just need to take a step back, away from the verbiage that’s a first language to me.

I want to start from scratch. I still believe in God. I feel like part of the challenge is that Christiandom idolizes the Bible. God is bigger than the Bible, or any other book considered holy. I’ve also, wondered why other books that had been considered part of the cannon were removed, like the book of Enoch that connects the dots on so much. Is it a case of keeping non-clergy in the dark?

I’m still triggered by worship music. It’s sad because I have so many songs I love, but it’s just too, painful to hear them.

Do you struggle in a similar way? If so, feel free to comment or email me.

Personal · Social Thoughts

Social Rudeness

It seems lately that rudeness is on the rise. Working with the public for my job I encounter a lot of it. Being on a phone people can be more rude than they may be in person. It’s disgusting. I don’t know why this has seemed to increase.

I’ve been thinking over why rudeness has become socially acceptable. I wonder if there may be a connection between rudeness and social media use. Instant gratification is assumed and the sense of entitlement is a mood I sense coming off of people.

I never really believed before that people give off energy and after working in my type of profession I now believe it wholeheartedly. When people are rude over the phone I can just physically feel the negativity. It’s gross and makes me want to go home to shower it off.

Do you feel that rudeness has become socially acceptable lately? What are your thoughts on the reason this is? What do you do to protect yourself against all the negativity? Looking forward to your comments.

Books · Personal · Self Care · TBR

July Library Haul

When you haven’t been to the library in over a year and get the craving. I splurged and probably will read maybe 4-5 out of the 18 I got. I like having plenty of variety. I miss going to the library and have missed it. My local libraries are alright. The one closest to me has a great YA section.

Do you like your local library? Do you prefer the library or bookstore? Have you ever decided to strictly get library books and then choose from there what is own worthy?

Have you read any of the above books? If so which ones (without spoiling it for me) are worth reading?

Friends · Personal · Self Care

Whore Out My Heart

Lately I feel like I keep getting the word of knowledge to guard my heart. I am so needy for friends and wanting constant communication. I want to ideally be best friends with everyone and yet, those I’ve poured out a lot of my heart to have burnt me. I know no one is perfect. Life happens and friendships don’t always pan out, but I’m feeling fragile lately.

Why did I title this post Whore Out My Heart? Not a whore in the promiscuous sense, but in the emotional sense. I’m like a dang puppy anytime I make a new friend. I guess I definitely have an addictive personality, friendship addiction. I get so excited about having a new friend that I latch on like a barnacle. It’s unhealthy of me. I need to stop being so flippant with my heart and be selective in who I truly open up to. Not everyone is worthy, no matter how much I wish them to be. Yes, that includes family as well. Family doesn’t automatically equal entrance to my heart and soul.

My job was been busy lately and the energy coming off callers has been draining to say the least. Holding my anger in is challenging at times. I’m not a screamer, or yeller, but I abhor rudeness. When I get mad I cry, but that’s because I’m that mad that tears just have to come out. Someone crying or mad I get that. Rudeness just pisses me off.

Do I want real friendship? Yes. Quality over quantity. True friends, kindred spirits, bosom buddies, girlfriends, guy friends. Those I can trust.

I only have a very small amount of childhood friends that I still keep in contact with. Not all friendships make it from childhood to adulthood and that’s ok. It just means more room for authentic friendships.

Personal

RIP RHE

I’m sitting here in shock. We think we are invincible until reality slaps us in the face. An author I admire, whose books helped me know that questions within Christianity are ok has passed this morning. I still remember reading the originally titled Evolving In Monkey Town and how thought provoking it was to read about a believer who understood the need to revisit what you’ve been raised to believe and to carve out your own faith apart from your parent’s faith. She was only sick in the hospital for 2 weeks. Such a short time.

I can’t fathom He took her home. RHE was young with a husband and little kids. She still has books I’m sure she was intending to write. You never plan to go home early (spiritually speaking). I can’t imagine the pure guttural grief her family and close friends going through. I know so many readers out there were praying for her to recover.

This passing is going to take time to process. I didn’t know RHE personally, but her books are such a gift to those who struggle with their faith, church and Christianity in general. Rachel’s books lead me to read Elizabeth Esther’s book, Girl At The End Of The World and Sarah Bessey’s book, Jesus Feminist. RHE you are leaving quite the legacy. Thank you for writing your heart out, being honest with your own faith journey.

Personal

When Life Throws You Hints

Sometimes Instagram ads inspire you out of the blue. I was scrolling and the ads on there can be annoying. One stood out though. The topic was on becoming a life coach through the program at SWIHA. I logged that information in the back of my brain for safe keeping.

A few months go by and I finally decide to check out their website and contact them for more information. I discover there’s an option of becoming a spiritual coach. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a pastor. Seeing I could go through and get ordained was like finding the gold at the end of the rainbow.

The only roadblock is the cost of the program. It’s a private college, so it’s not cheap, but I believe much less than a whole year at an in state university. Now I just have to save up.

I may not attend a church, or as I like to call it the box, but I still believe by a thread. It’s so ingrained in me I can’t merely throw it out. I’d love to help others on their spiritual journey. My faith has expanded so much in the past 10 years in strange, outside the box directions.

Are you a life coach or spiritual coach? If so comment below. I’d love to connect. What inspires you if you are looking to walk down this same path?

Personal · Self Care

What’s Your #OneWord?

At an old job of mine we had a library where you could borrow books. One of those books was on the topic of having one word be your focus and theme for the year. Do you have one word for 2019?

I’ve been thinking of what I want my one word to be for this brand new year and I decided on the word: grounded. This word has different connotations. I could be grounded and not allowed to have fun, or I could be grounded in how I view and live out my life.

My reason for choosing this word is that this year I want to focus on what/who helps keep me grounded:

* work life balance

* reading books that will educate and inspire me

* eating healthier

* eating less sugary foods

* exercising by starting yoga & meditation

* having in depth friendships

* loving my partner

* loving my family

* journaling more

* figuring out my faith walk

When I was sick of most of December 2017 I truly learned to focus on deep breathing to calm my anxiety down and to feel better. Last year it seemed like my theme was anxiety and I am determined for that to not repeat its self this year. Being anxious is a horrible feeling and I detest my heart doing dips. I only want that if it’s from a roller coaster at a theme park. This experience made me want to research meditation and yoga. Less coffee would probably help, though who can say no to that delicious beverage?

What’s your 2019 one word? Feel free to comment what yours is below. Looking forward to being inspired by all of you. Here’s to a happy 2019!

Personal

Jesus Was A Saint

My job entails talking with people for my whole work shift. I am a people person, but being an empath makes it hard sometimes with all the range of emotions coming through my phone. I’ve gotten a thicker skin than I used to have, but when people get rude with me I react by getting teary vs getting firm back.

I was sitting at work the other day and thinking about how Jesus truly was a saint for the patience he had with humanity while living physically on earth with us. Having patience with people’s attitude is not easy. Sometimes if I get upset my voice gets wavery which is hard to disguise. I am a naturally happy person, but being social for my job nonstop is draining.

I have become quite the introvert over the years and my current job has increased that part of me on weekends so I can recharge for the upcoming week. I recharge by reading and mentally recharging. I do best hanging out one on one or in a small group. I don’t do big groups and I abhor sitting at a table in the middle of a restaurant. I feel overly vulnerable being in the middle of a room like that.

Is it easy to be nice 24/7? Nope. It’s very challenging, though being courteous isn’t hard. Sometimes it feels like society as a whole is depressed and negative. It makes it tough as an empath to feel that negative energy off and on all day. Can any of you relate?