Personal · Self Care

No Words

Sometimes you aren’t prepared. This morning my partner mentioned someone had died. I was trying to guess who it might have been. I was not ready for what he showed me.

When he showed me the news headline I immediately cried out, “What? Nooo.” I instantly burst into ugly sobs. I rarely sob. Sobbing at 5AM is not a fun way to ring in a Friday. No, I didn’t know Anthony Bourdain personally. I watched his shows “No Reservations,” and “Parts Unknown”. I’ve watched them many times.

Tony’s shows are funny, heartfelt, snarky at times and make you want to travel the world. He is blunt in his verbiage, but has a heart for people. Tony won’t be forgotten.

It was hard to concentrate at work earlier today because I kept thinking of Tony and wondering why. Why choose to bow out when what ever was ailing him could be resolved with time and patience? I know so many of us struggle with depression. We keep moving forward with smiles plastered on, not letting everyone see behind our perfect looking masks. I don’t know the reasons. We may never know. His own daughter may never know why her dad chose to leave early. I can’t fathom her heartache today.

One thing I do know is Anthony is loved by so many and respected as a chef, author, travel host, Dad, boyfriend, friend, etc. He was a big life figure in the culinary and travel industry.

Part of me wants to curl up in a ball and just sob. This untimely death has hit me hard. I cried more over James Gandolfini. It took me months before I could watch or hear the theme intro song to, “Sopranos.” I usually don’t get this emotional over a celebrity, but these two figures made a giant impact on our world and their passing have left holes in our hearts.

We may not know how we impact others lives, but we do. Even someone we just smile at in passing. That one act of positivity could make someone’s day, it could let them know they are seen and loved.

I hope you are resting in peace Tony. You are loved and admired by many. I am just sad you choose to leave early when you had so much more life to live. You blessed more people than you’ll ever know.


I’m Such A Brat: Birthday Reflections

Today I turned 39. I’m starting to feel my age even though I could possibly pass for a high schooler minus my visible tattoos. I was born premature, so every year it’s a gentle reminder that I could be an adult who is a vegetable, or highly handicapped, or not even alive. I have a very small amount of palsy, an eye I’ve had surgery on because of it being lazy and have scars where I had chest tubes. Other than this I’m a functioning adult. Unless I openly mentioned my challenging start to life you’d have no clue.

Being called a miracle baby is a blessing and yet a spiritual curse sometimes. I have a rich Christian family heritage and start to life, yet sometimes I feel like my faith was handed to me on a silver platter. I feel like I don’t get the luxury of wrestling with my faith and what I believe as an adult vs what I was taught growing up. I didn’t have a sudden coming to Jesus moment. I was probably in preschool or Kindergarten when I knelt to ask Jesus into my heart. I was baptized at 9 and told the congregation it was like marriage because I was making a vow to God.

Today I was a brat and spoiled myself through purchasing a fufu purse and books I truly don’t need since my TBR is one shelf worth with more on my Kindle. Birthdays and being the center of attention have always made me feel weird, awkward, shy, undeserving, etc. Maybe it’s my introvert side coming out.
Then my coming out two years ago, my search for a girlfriend, entering the LGBTQA world and figuring life out. I’m hoping this last year in my 30’s is a year filled with growth spiritually even if it’s not identical to my childhood and that I grow in all areas of my life. I want to expand my LGBTQA friend circle. If you can relate and want a new friend I’d love to hear from you!


Pride: My Thoughts

I think I over amped my excitement about going to Pride. It was just like the Rainbow Festival in the fall except for the entrance fee, the over 18 area and the Parade that’s this morning. I am not into drinking, or dancing, so once I looked at most of the booths there, had a funnel cake I felt I was done, plus I don’t like big crowds.

There were two neat moments I want to share from yesterday. While me and my friends were sharing the funnel cake a little girl probably almost a year old walked over and wanted my friend’s water bottle. She was adorable. The other moment was walking by the free hugs booth. It was a Mormon booth. Who can resist a free hug? The family manning the booth were nice. The father gave me my hug then said, “Happy Pride.” That to me spoke volumes. Kudos to the Mormons.

Will I go next year? I don’t think I will. Yes, it was fun to gaze at all the cute lesbian couples, but no one really struck up a conversation. The people at Pride were polite, no rude, or pushy people. That aspect was good. I don’t think the entrance fee of $20 was worth it since a t-shirt was $20 and the funnel cake was a steep price of $9. If someone has a lot of money to spend at Pride, go for it, but if you have a small budget save your money and go to Rainbow Festival instead.



Today I am going to Pride for the first time. I’m a tad nervous since I’ve heard people might be scantily dressed. I might get an eyeful, sensory overload, but then again I might fit right in. I’ve never before been around this many GLBTQA people. My tribe I don’t socially mix with. Yes, I’m an introvert with a side of brief social interaction. I’m hoping I might make a friend, or two. I might click with a wonderful woman. Thankfully I am going with a few friends, so I won’t be alone.

Have you gone to Pride? If so, what was your experience? Would you say attending enriched you feeling comfortable in your own skin, your identity? Please feel free to comment and share your stories.

Personal · Self Care


Lately I’ve been thinking about self-care and what that means to me. What entails me taking care of myself? There is physical self care, mental self care and spiritual self care. How do I give myself care in these different areas of my life?

Physical self-care to me is eating healthy, but occasionally indulging in a treat every now and then. My weakness is coffee. I start my day off with it and sometimes indulge in an evening cup. Obviously I don’t want to OD on it. Physical also entails getting plenty of rest. I’m an old lady in that I like to get to bed on a week night somewhere between 8:30-9pm. Five in the morning arrives too, fast otherwise. On the weekends I might be ‘wild’ and stay up till 10. As for exercising that’s the one self care area I need to work on. I sit for my job, so by the time work ends mentally I am ready to relax and exercise sounds like the last thing I want to do. Another area of self care I need to work on is pampering myself. I’m not a high maintenance woman. I rarely get a pedi or manicure. I need to see it as a small way I can self care once a month as a way to feel more pretty, confident and feminine. And it doesn’t have to break my bank. Shaving is another self care that’s a pain in the rear, but helps me not be a scary beast. Not that I wear shorts.

Mental self-care can be tricky. It seems every time I pass by a TV there is a new antidepressant being showcased. Not that they can’t be life saving, but the possible side effects can be more deadly than going to a therapist or trusted friend to talk things out. No, I am not depressed, but life happens and things can seem overwhelming. Personally I am not a fan of medication. Yes, even Advil or Tylenol. I’ll take them if I really have to, but they aren’t my first course of action. One way I like to self care in this department is not to watch horror movies. I’m a sensitive soul who isn’t fond of blood and gut movies, or spirituality dark movies. What we put in our mind is there for us to reply 24/7, so make it something worthwhile and pleasant.

Spiritual self-care is an area of my life I’ve been avoiding like the plague. I am somewhere between Christian and Agnostic. I own a few Bibles, but haven’t opened one in a long time. I think I go in cycles of wanting to be a good Christian and read my Bible, Christian nonfiction, etc and other times I feel like it’s just the teacher from Peanuts taking. Ever since I came out to my family and friends my faith has taken a back seat. I had to get over my fear of Hell to come out. Yes, I could have stuffed it down, ignored it, prayed it away, but it would end popping back up. I’ve already gotten the worried Hell speech once by an online friend. They mean well, but don’t tout Christianese and say you’ll only be there for me as a friend if I stop living my ‘lifestyle’. To me that’s not unconditional love that’s I’ll love you if. No thank you!  I’ve read a number of outside the typical Christian genre that might be deemed scandalous, but has made quite a lot of sense. Conversations With God anyone? I need to attend to my spiritual self care. I just have to figure out what I truly believe.

How do you self-care? Any suggestions you can provide? If so, please feel free to comment below.