Friends · Personal · Self Care

Whore Out My Heart

Lately I feel like I keep getting the word of knowledge to guard my heart. I am so needy for friends and wanting constant communication. I want to ideally be best friends with everyone and yet, those I’ve poured out a lot of my heart to have burnt me. I know no one is perfect. Life happens and friendships don’t always pan out, but I’m feeling fragile lately.

Why did I title this post Whore Out My Heart? Not a whore in the promiscuous sense, but in the emotional sense. I’m like a dang puppy anytime I make a new friend. I guess I definitely have an addictive personality, friendship addiction. I get so excited about having a new friend that I latch on like a barnacle. It’s unhealthy of me. I need to stop being so flippant with my heart and be selective in who I truly open up to. Not everyone is worthy, no matter how much I wish them to be. Yes, that includes family as well. Family doesn’t automatically equal entrance to my heart and soul.

My job was been busy lately and the energy coming off callers has been draining to say the least. Holding my anger in is challenging at times. I’m not a screamer, or yeller, but I abhor rudeness. When I get mad I cry, but that’s because I’m that mad that tears just have to come out. Someone crying or mad I get that. Rudeness just pisses me off.

Do I want real friendship? Yes. Quality over quantity. True friends, kindred spirits, bosom buddies, girlfriends, guy friends. Those I can trust.

I only have a very small amount of childhood friends that I still keep in contact with. Not all friendships make it from childhood to adulthood and that’s ok. It just means more room for authentic friendships.

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RIP RHE

I’m sitting here in shock. We think we are invincible until reality slaps us in the face. An author I admire, whose books helped me know that questions within Christianity are ok has passed this morning. I still remember reading the originally titled Evolving In Monkey Town and how thought provoking it was to read about a believer who understood the need to revisit what you’ve been raised to believe and to carve out your own faith apart from your parent’s faith. She was only sick in the hospital for 2 weeks. Such a short time.

I can’t fathom He took her home. RHE was young with a husband and little kids. She still has books I’m sure she was intending to write. You never plan to go home early (spiritually speaking). I can’t imagine the pure guttural grief her family and close friends going through. I know so many readers out there were praying for her to recover.

This passing is going to take time to process. I didn’t know RHE personally, but her books are such a gift to those who struggle with their faith, church and Christianity in general. Rachel’s books lead me to read Elizabeth Esther’s book, Girl At The End Of The World and Sarah Bessey’s book, Jesus Feminist. RHE you are leaving quite the legacy. Thank you for writing your heart out, being honest with your own faith journey.

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When Life Throws You Hints

Sometimes Instagram ads inspire you out of the blue. I was scrolling and the ads on there can be annoying. One stood out though. The topic was on becoming a life coach through the program at SWIHA. I logged that information in the back of my brain for safe keeping.

A few months go by and I finally decide to check out their website and contact them for more information. I discover there’s an option of becoming a spiritual coach. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a pastor. Seeing I could go through and get ordained was like finding the gold at the end of the rainbow.

The only roadblock is the cost of the program. It’s a private college, so it’s not cheap, but I believe much less than a whole year at an in state university. Now I just have to save up.

I may not attend a church, or as I like to call it the box, but I still believe by a thread. It’s so ingrained in me I can’t merely throw it out. I’d love to help others on their spiritual journey. My faith has expanded so much in the past 10 years in strange, outside the box directions.

Are you a life coach or spiritual coach? If so comment below. I’d love to connect. What inspires you if you are looking to walk down this same path?

Personal · Self Care

What’s Your #OneWord?

At an old job of mine we had a library where you could borrow books. One of those books was on the topic of having one word be your focus and theme for the year. Do you have one word for 2019?

I’ve been thinking of what I want my one word to be for this brand new year and I decided on the word: grounded. This word has different connotations. I could be grounded and not allowed to have fun, or I could be grounded in how I view and live out my life.

My reason for choosing this word is that this year I want to focus on what/who helps keep me grounded:

* work life balance

* reading books that will educate and inspire me

* eating healthier

* eating less sugary foods

* exercising by starting yoga & meditation

* having in depth friendships

* loving my partner

* loving my family

* journaling more

* figuring out my faith walk

When I was sick of most of December 2017 I truly learned to focus on deep breathing to calm my anxiety down and to feel better. Last year it seemed like my theme was anxiety and I am determined for that to not repeat its self this year. Being anxious is a horrible feeling and I detest my heart doing dips. I only want that if it’s from a roller coaster at a theme park. This experience made me want to research meditation and yoga. Less coffee would probably help, though who can say no to that delicious beverage?

What’s your 2019 one word? Feel free to comment what yours is below. Looking forward to being inspired by all of you. Here’s to a happy 2019!

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Jesus Was A Saint

My job entails talking with people for my whole work shift. I am a people person, but being an empath makes it hard sometimes with all the range of emotions coming through my phone. I’ve gotten a thicker skin than I used to have, but when people get rude with me I react by getting teary vs getting firm back.

I was sitting at work the other day and thinking about how Jesus truly was a saint for the patience he had with humanity while living physically on earth with us. Having patience with people’s attitude is not easy. Sometimes if I get upset my voice gets wavery which is hard to disguise. I am a naturally happy person, but being social for my job nonstop is draining.

I have become quite the introvert over the years and my current job has increased that part of me on weekends so I can recharge for the upcoming week. I recharge by reading and mentally recharging. I do best hanging out one on one or in a small group. I don’t do big groups and I abhor sitting at a table in the middle of a restaurant. I feel overly vulnerable being in the middle of a room like that.

Is it easy to be nice 24/7? Nope. It’s very challenging, though being courteous isn’t hard. Sometimes it feels like society as a whole is depressed and negative. It makes it tough as an empath to feel that negative energy off and on all day. Can any of you relate?

Personal · Self Care

No Words

Sometimes you aren’t prepared. This morning my partner mentioned someone had died. I was trying to guess who it might have been. I was not ready for what he showed me.

When he showed me the news headline I immediately cried out, “What? Nooo.” I instantly burst into ugly sobs. I rarely sob. Sobbing at 5AM is not a fun way to ring in a Friday. No, I didn’t know Anthony Bourdain personally. I watched his shows “No Reservations,” and “Parts Unknown”. I’ve watched them many times.

Tony’s shows are funny, heartfelt, snarky at times and make you want to travel the world. He is blunt in his verbiage, but has a heart for people. Tony won’t be forgotten.

It was hard to concentrate at work earlier today because I kept thinking of Tony and wondering why. Why choose to bow out when what ever was ailing him could be resolved with time and patience? I know so many of us struggle with depression. We keep moving forward with smiles plastered on, not letting everyone see behind our perfect looking masks. I don’t know the reasons. We may never know. His own daughter may never know why her dad chose to leave early. I can’t fathom her heartache today.

One thing I do know is Anthony is loved by so many and respected as a chef, author, travel host, Dad, boyfriend, friend, etc. He was a big life figure in the culinary and travel industry.

Part of me wants to curl up in a ball and just sob. This untimely death has hit me hard. I cried more over James Gandolfini. It took me months before I could watch or hear the theme intro song to, “Sopranos.” I usually don’t get this emotional over a celebrity, but these two figures made a giant impact on our world and their passing have left holes in our hearts.

We may not know how we impact others lives, but we do. Even someone we just smile at in passing. That one act of positivity could make someone’s day, it could let them know they are seen and loved.

I hope you are resting in peace Tony. You are loved and admired by many. I am just sad you choose to leave early when you had so much more life to live. You blessed more people than you’ll ever know.

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I’m Such A Brat: Birthday Reflections


Today I turned 39. I’m starting to feel my age even though I could possibly pass for a high schooler minus my visible tattoos. I was born premature, so every year it’s a gentle reminder that I could be an adult who is a vegetable, or highly handicapped, or not even alive. I have a very small amount of palsy, an eye I’ve had surgery on because of it being lazy and have scars where I had chest tubes. Other than this I’m a functioning adult. Unless I openly mentioned my challenging start to life you’d have no clue.

Being called a miracle baby is a blessing and yet a spiritual curse sometimes. I have a rich Christian family heritage and start to life, yet sometimes I feel like my faith was handed to me on a silver platter. I feel like I don’t get the luxury of wrestling with my faith and what I believe as an adult vs what I was taught growing up. I didn’t have a sudden coming to Jesus moment. I was probably in preschool or Kindergarten when I knelt to ask Jesus into my heart. I was baptized at 9 and told the congregation it was like marriage because I was making a vow to God.

Today I was a brat and spoiled myself through purchasing a fufu purse and books I truly don’t need since my TBR is one shelf worth with more on my Kindle. Birthdays and being the center of attention have always made me feel weird, awkward, shy, undeserving, etc. Maybe it’s my introvert side coming out.
Then my coming out two years ago, my search for a girlfriend, entering the LGBTQA world and figuring life out. I’m hoping this last year in my 30’s is a year filled with growth spiritually even if it’s not identical to my childhood and that I grow in all areas of my life. I want to expand my LGBTQA friend circle. If you can relate and want a new friend I’d love to hear from you!